Monsters Never Sleep
She had escaped his venom, or so she thought. His global stalking had uncovered news of her pregnancy, and he coaxed her with a gentle email. Of his questions she responded over days, until she revealed the background happening and the truth.
He ruptured with spiteful words of credulous disbelief, of ridicule, of judgment. And she read them, after days of believing in something more... that if a monster were every man who took a woman with or without her consent, then perhaps she chose this monster over all, because she knew him and it saved her from knowing another.
Rapunzel | Extract #1 | Los Angeles | The Pilot
"I let you in again. The master of confession – you manage to veil your face as the listener, the Solomon, the all-knowing... and as soon as you have something so raw and exposing, you run and flaunt a story that is not your own.
There is no need to infuse anything make-believe into life; it was full of beauty and such terrifying ugliness from the start. Though I was not born in Africa nor lived through any wars; the ugliness that I need not radicalize, exists in my life as it does in each of ours.
I gave into your veil once again this month; a returning cunning mask. When last year I came to know how intentionally destructive you were, I bought my exit and away I flew. It hurt to stand by someone who believes that their mission is to corrupt. Today on sharing a very intimate journey, you drew focus to a physical violation that took place in my history and you labeled me weak.
The man in the mask removes it, and there you are. The [Monster B] I didn’t meet until you had me eating from your palm. [Monster B], the passer of judgment as though it were a God-given right: it comes to you so naturally and you splendor in it as it empowers you… judgment is fuel for your bones.
Just as most men ignore the prior loves of their girlfriend and her hidden pains: I experienced an ugliness, whilst love blind-sighted me in a time and place before you... he would dance at the sound of his very name, he loved it more than the gravity of love, itself. I gave my heart to this man for 12 months or a little more. I wondered how long it might be to hear my name alongside… [D] and his crazy hair, the [D] Armani suit, [D]’s eclectic warehouse, [D]’s global success, [D]’s inner-city canine and his tiny golden bell. [D] accepted sentimental gifts that I gave to him and added them to the trove of gifts from women like me of his past… it was [D] who told me to loosen up, to be liberated and try new things. And after a year of loving him, I decided [D] would never love me any more. And my heart caved... I let something happen to me as I was scooped from the shower where I lay from intoxication: a suggested remedy by seedy peers - to block out the chants of [D] in my mind… and my body was used.
..and the story of my body being used was given to you years later, a Chinese Whisper that you would hold against my person, to wave around my shame. Another life [that belonged to a woman who adored you] you could corrupt. A story you radicalized yourself, to a magnitude that spanned the earth. You shared with such passion a disturbing story: an emotional badgered truth, an impeding on my new found love - you claimed victory: you had destroyed me again with a Prince I thought I had found...
You laughed into the receiver while recklessly dividing a new love and I saw your face: your greedy, loathing face, and heard your melodies of whore, weak, pathetic woman sung from your lips - ringing in my ears once more.
I left my love that very day and flew countries away, where I let the shame erode my soul. And after half a year of gaining little strength to continue to work on a promise to God and my mission, I travelled to a country who I believed had been ridiculed by racism and American hate. I interviewed women on empowerment, to create societal change in a nation ruled by men.
When a woman says NO she means NO and any man who interprets her decision as anything more should be jailed for his thoughts. No, stop, and leave my house.. after explaining your vow of celibacy and faith, is not a welcome into the only temple that we rightfully own. This is what occurred during my project, my reporting and my cause.
And of your question on my learning, from past and present, [Monster B]: what would you like that I respond? What might a girl who lives alone, does not date, turns from rape scenes and promiscuity, whose idea of sex is traumatizing and wishes for a life and existence without it... and who has felt this way for many years. Who believes in monogamy and hopes of a future of only this. A girl who sacrifices all she owns to build a platform for sharing messages of light and to help rebuild a corrupted world, corrupted by monsters like you… what do you think I might have learned?
...that there is a common misconception that the Body is our temple? It is merely a vessel for our being; that being, our soul is what we must protect because limbs, hearts and cavities will continue to be violated life after life.
Name-calling a whore, drugging and taking me as I lay helpless in vomit, dragging room to room by her hair to attack her spirit some more... Oh boy, I had such a crush on you but I did not want our first time to be like that or the two years that followed. You believe me weak because I had 'let it happen' to me then atop your sheets, just as I had let my motionless body be carried from a wet shower basin to another bed in former years. And just as I gave up the endless No's and pushing him away, in emotional misery 26 weeks ago I let a quick slippery rabbit fornicate my body and beliefs.. I scrunched my eyes tight and imagined it was my love, that there were no sharp nails clawing me, that it didn't hurt, that I was not immediately ashamed for giving up.
There is no need that I intensify violation, or even love, because they for me have equally reached such magnitude: enough to knock a weak person to the ground, unable to regain their stance. I have. I have pulled myself up alone, time over and over and over. And now I find my feet with the weight of three and take responsibility: the physical pain that riddles my body and the flights of stairs to my door, the daily lifting of groceries for a mile or little more. And then there is the unease of not belonging to this country who has failed to care and support; the memories of many No's six months ago and over the years; the soaked pillow that I wake upon after another sleepless night, puffy eyed, red cheeked... to keep going.
I look to the sky as I walk up and down the hill to stretch swollen limbs, beyond the muck of the streets filled with venomous eyes and souls from a darker place like yours, for a hope that doesn't exist in the world; but in Heaven. I look forward to that day, [Monster B]. The day I can take my last breath here that ends it all, and my first breath of freedom in the clouds."