Year of the tidal wave

By the end of a year that had taken so much (energy), I felt I was drowning; enveloped by waves baring down and crushing my body with mighty force.


After the physical torture had ripped me open and the wounds were fresh to heal in that salt water.. it became a daily challenge to hold, cradle, sing, dance with them, up and down and up and down to the ground every hour to feed, set my pain and fear aside so as not to press undesired emotions upon them.

Sacrifices for love. Three loves: for Christ, because only in Him are we restored and saved, and the two darling angels that He blessed me with.

The less we had, fewer open doors, monstrous human interactions, surrendering a business where clients had breached contract terms, assets were robbed and all the self funded capital had been carried away to sea: strengthened me. My path was more defined by the narrowing options.

Sure - it hurt to realize that His plan did not match the one I had invested 4 years pursuing; it hurt that He delivered such tremendous obstacles that I felt battered to the point of suffocating so I might see Heaven; it hurt the most to feel like I was on the path alone, surrounded by faithless people with scratched out faces and grey souls.

In total exhaustion from perseverance and in the humility of absolute weakness, I found His unconditional love; for I was standing, breathing, loving - He had carried me through the hardest, darkest times and despite the depth of despair that had washed over me, His love had been unyielding, my repentance forgiven and strength increased. 

A decade ago, I had a recurring nightmare of tidal waves and I was constantly running, sand dunes crumbling as I scurried to escape the weight of those towering liquid walls. I might have swallowed some of the salt and come close to choking, felt the cold water nearer and nearer, though in 2018 I believe I overcame that nightmare a decade after it begun. Only through Him shall I find salvation.

Bethanie Ashton